I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
