it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
