I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
