I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
