Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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