It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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