so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
