Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm just crazy horny about you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
