I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
