I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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