I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I had to cum in my sink.
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