I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
