I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
