How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
