I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
