Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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