Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
