I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
