The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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