Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
