Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
