I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
