he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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