you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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