I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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