some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
