FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
