Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
