is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
