At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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