im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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