I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
