remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
