I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize