i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
