So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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