I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
