First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I need to calm my uterus...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
