Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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