i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize