she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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