apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
