i wish my penis had a tongue
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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