If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
