Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
