I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
