she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
