Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
