If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
