You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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