I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
