Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
