he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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