Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
